During the summer of 1986, I began once more to have serious doubts regarding the Faith teaching, especially some aspects of it. I had met a friend from the Bible school and he was having great problems both mentally and psychologically, and the problems could be traced directly to certain aspects of the teaching, or, at least, to the way he had comprehended it. He had somehow missed the aspect of the love and compassion of God. This was quite an embarrassment to me, regardless of whether he had misunderstood the teaching or not. On reflection, I could remember other students at the Bible school who had suffered from similar problems, and this worried me. Actually, I did know that some of these people had sought psychiatric help. One person had even become psychotic, that is, he had completely lost touch with reality and had become insane.
It was a very uncomfortable fact to know that the Faith teaching could lead to such negative results. I regarded it as the attack of the devil against the movement and against me being a part of it. At the same time, I had to realise that these problems were, partly, caused by weaknesses in the teaching itself, weaknesses that made it very hard for people to feel secure in the grace of God both during good times and bad. The standard interpretation regarding the people who had problems was that it was the devil attacking the work of God. The next standard interpretation I could bring up was that these unpleasant side effects were only ailments of infancy in a growing and maturing movement, and by and by these troubles would be eradicated through the increasing revelation which the Lord was giving through His servants.
Seeing many people had become so joyful and confident by the message, I thought that it had to be right, basically, but merely in need of some finer adjustments in order to avoid the negative side effects. I was hoping that the leaders of the movement would become a bit more humble and begin to realise these weaknesses. I could see quite clearly that the weaknesses were there, but nevertheless, I thought that the movement as a whole was from God. I thought it was the devil who was magnifying the lacks in order to stop the revival.
During a visit to my parents I found some books dealing with the teaching from a critical point of view. Curiosity made me read these books. I agreed with the authors in much of what they wrote, but I still refused to believe that the Faith movement was wrong because my very joy of living was connected with it. But by now I was experiencing many doubts, and this was wearing me down — eventually, everything seemed pointless and troublesome. I felt as though the ground had begun to shake under my feet, and I was hit by severe anxiety.
I tried to discuss some of these issues with my pastor, but realising he was more of a hard-liner than the man I had accompanied to India, I soon found that impossible to do.
Around this time, my pastor asked me if I wanted to go to Russia with him. Being flattered, at first I said yes. But on account of the doubts I was battling with, I later turned down the offer by letter. How could I go abroad to spread teachings that were causing disasters in some people’s lives? Little did I realise what my decision not to join the trip would lead to.
In one last desperate attempt, I attended the movement’s big summer convention. Listening to the great speakers and seeing the large crowds of people worshipping the Lord, gradually got me back in tune with the movement. I realised that this was what I enjoyed in life. I felt that I could not dismiss what God was doing just because of a few people who had misapplied the teachings in their lives.
After having once more endured these difficulties for a period of time, I made the decision that I would not allow this doubt to develop any further. I simply could not stand the pressure. I realised that the critics were right in many ways and that some people did not benefit much from the Faith teaching. Nevertheless, I thought the devil was using these things to make me passive and stop working for the movement, and that, in spite of whatever it lacks, it was “What God is doing in Sweden today!”
Nevertheless, I was unable to erase the thoughts I had got by reading the books about the teachings that were contrary to the Bible and how these things were doing harm to people. Therefore, I found it much more difficult to rejoice in some of the good things that were taking place. By reading these books I had actually been partly deprogrammed, and this left me in a terrible void. But because it was not a complete deprogramming, I still believed that the great speakers at the convention were of God and, therefore, I blamed myself for having listened to the devil.
What I found the hardest was, that my pastor’s trust in me had now decreased drastically. Up till this time I had been especially pleased that he showed me such trust and attention. My co-operation with the pastor was connected with the plan of God for my life, but suddenly, it seemed that this wonderful part of my life was gone. He called me a deserter; and after this, nothing was ever the same again because I had wavered and was no longer reckoned to be trustworthy. Life appeared meaningless, and I became depressed and exhausted.
There was no one for me to confide in regarding these difficult emotions. I could not talk to my leader for he was the person who felt I was no longer trustworthy. I could not confide in the others in the group either because I did not want to run the risk of sowing doubts or discord among them. If I had told them, they would, no doubt, have spoken to the leader or urged me to do so. Neither could I confide in my family or other outsiders, for they would only have strengthened my renewed doubts regarding the way the movement was functioning. So I had to battle with my own thoughts alone without any possibility of talking to someone else about it.
